nothing in return

so. i have figured out my flaw.yes. yes. my one and only. ha. no. but seriously.
i expect too much out of other people. in everything. and in everyone. and then when they don't meet up to my expectations, i am let down. which. people are human, so sufficeth to say- i am constantly let down. i realized yesterday, maybe oprah would call that her AH-HA moment, that people, everyone never lives up to their end. but then i was like... well, obviously i am not perfect either. but it bugs. it bugs about me that i have this sickness, and it bugs that i get let down.
i am not even in a crunchy mood.
so. here goes. another week. new one. asking for nothing in return from people. wish me luck.

i won't let go at any price

so you won't believe this.
it is 2 in the morning. and i am on here. i can't sleep. why? i don't know. i did have SOME soda at dinner. maybe that is keeping me up. maybe i got news tonight and that is keeping me up. maybe its knowing i have to get up at seven that is keeping me up. maybe its having a freaking high school reunion tonight and replaying it, people and conversations in my mind thats keeping me up. i don't know. i just can't sleep. i had work today. there is this lady there that i work with, that makes me so happy. she gets me excited to be done with school and have a career. even if i am not at all into working.
i got three wedding announcements just today.
doesn't that make you smile?
my life has fallen back into the OC again. addicting. its all i think about. therefore i have made another list.
TITLED: if i were to get into a fight who would i want on my team
1. Ryan Atwood
2. Leigh bridges, my personal trainer aka satan
3. kelly o'fallon
4. steve o'fallon. kelly's dad. that man is huge!
5. Volcheck. is that how you spell it. he's pretty weak but could kill you by his mean, punk A looks.
those are my top five. naturally its a list that keeps on going.

this isn't helping me fall asleep. its actually keeping my mind racing.
i'm out.

words that work

so it's been a while bloggers. sorry. but i am back. why didn't i write in here. i might say... no time. but you ultimately make time for what we want, right.
thats why i work so much.
huh aim.
little joke between best friends. who i miss dearly. i saw her. it was good. i miss her. i don't know if people understand. i don't think anyone understands missing someone in the same way. it doesn't make sense. in my head it does.
i was cleaning instruments today. and people might think it's boring. but no one is in the room with me, so naturally i just stand there and think. if you're lucky you'll walk in and catch me laughing, thinking of a recent memory (example: today. visualizing me and amy hall singing to kc and jo jo... what?) or a joke but i was thinking today and i was like.. everyones life is moving. isn't that weird. like.. eventually all my sisters are going to be graduated. i will graduate... my brother will go on a mission... and my friends, yes yes, all of them... every.last.one.of.them. are getting married. its just weird. this growing up thing. and yet, i still feel like i am 11, having my birthday party.... or still playing with courtney imhoff.
so rosie odonell is no longer on the view.
tear.
i don't like her.
i am going to florida in may. i am excited. massages, facials.... tanning. all week long. i will miss my LOVE JANIS (janis joplin play that i have been counting down for...) and i haven't told amy yet. i am nervous.
this weekend:
friday night... na's band is playing. i know what you're thinking... of course na is in a band. every boy in high school is in a band. but his is good. it's name is PAWN TAKES KING. i like it. he explained it to me. that's an illegal move in chess.
but then again, you're bloggers. you all knew that.
saturday i am going on a gas station run with amy (this whole blog has been about her, eh) we make our rounds to different gas stations looking for chic-o-sticks.
al.
and then going to rae laney's softball game.
it'll be a good weekend.
don't worry kids...
i'm back for real this time.

MORE LIKE SHHHHHMAXES.

i never thought i was a procrastinator.
i don't clean my room until my mom goes hay-wire.
i don't wash my clothes until the night before i need to wear them.
i have a huge exam tomorrow, so... i decided instead of today to study-- i'll study tomorrow.
the topper.
taxes due tuesday.
i start them today.
thought everything was fine.
one federal. one state.
hunkey-dorey until----i start the state. now.. you may remember those amazing 4 months i spent with you four, jor, aim, and corb.. so three.... that i was with you guys working, laughing, eating at red robin and i even think you two boys saved my life giving me a blessing and aim just saved my life for being aim--- yeah. hello. i have to file both for az and utah. what. so like a partial tax thing and do all of these ratios and rack my brain and i was so stressed. and... its done though. phew.
so i am a procrastinator.

ok. this is a list i started in my head.

titled:
things you think i wouldn't not know when i am 21.
orrr maybe more simpler-
things you think i should know at 21, but don't.

1- wear make up. hard to believe this natural babe doesn't know how to put on make up.
true. dead true. whats up with the eye shadow. how do you blend it. what colors do you use to bring out the best... i don't get it. i never was taught.
2- i do not know how to add fractions. i honestly don't we learned it in my joke of a math class and i had to do the problems referring back to examples like they were logarithims (sp) or like.... the quadratic formula. no, just fractions.
3- i do not understand how 4 way stop signs work. i sit there forever. i don't get it. everyone is always like... al, its the person who showed up first, or... then you always go to the right. what happens if you all show up at the same time and then the next person to your right looks at their right, then their right. it is one big circle. so.. secretly when i know that is going to happen, i purposely inch, by inch linger to the stop sign to purposely be the last one there.


i'll get more.
just you wait. enry-iggins. just you wait.

Jerusalem Syndrome

people visting jerusalem often become filled with the Holy Spirit, but jerusalem syndrome is a psychotic condition where people believe they are a character from the Bible or begin delivering sermons in a holy place in the city. the syndrome is not restricted to one denomination. most people return to normal a few days after leaving jerusalem.

dead.serious.

it was under the top ten medical conditions you've never heard of.
could you imagine.
and i thought my life was tough.

one big....

ok. so. i have a friend. and he says his life is one big sigh.
my sister says her life is one big embarrassing moment.
i have been trying to figure out what my life is. one big what. what. one big awkward situation where i am just trying to get by?? no no.
i found it. today i can honestly say i found it.
one big twilight zone. thats it. where i am constantly thinking, am i the only one that notices this is all out of the norm? can i relate these instances to you?
first.
i go to math. not only is that class a joke. my teacher is insane. most nicest man ever. but insane. we were talking about conversions today. somehow for 30 minutes we got started talking about OUTER SPACE. and it wasn't an intelectual conversation. i don't know what we were talking about. honestly i felt like i was in fourth grade again. learning which planet is the biggest and how saturn has rings. i just looked around at the other students in my class wondering if they felt the same, but no. they were inputing. i was like... where... am... i.
second.
after my space lesson i leave class. go to my car. get in sit for five minutes. its my time in the morning to meditate. you laugh. its true. ok i back out glance to my left. whats there? an extremely good looking black man. at the trunk of his car. i eye. he then proceeds to take off his pants. standing there in his briefs, i sit there in awe. again, i look around to see if anyone else sees what i am seeing. he puts on basketball shorts and then stands there acting like... using the school parking lot for his closet was PERFECTLY normal.
makes sense to me.
third.
i drive to work this morning. i am driving. ok. in the median there is an old man in a wheelchair. obviosuly waiting for the traffic to die down so he can pass. naturally i glance at his. OUT of his wheelchair there is a tail. pinned. remember that episode of winnie the pooh when eeyore pinned his tail to his cute little body-SUCH was the case. this man had a tail of a donkey pinned to his wheelchair.
do you see where i am coming from? one. big. twighlight. zone.
and i must say.
i do enjoy it. makes every day an eipsode.
an episode of the twighlight zone.

Everybody is lookin for something.

i wonder if people really track internet usage.
if they do. i am screwed. screwed and out of a job. its great though. don't you love going to work when there is no work to be done and you are still getting paid. i do.
i love fridays. my day of pleasure. knowing that if you just last a couple of more hours... you have two days all to yourself before you have to go and face the gruel world.
i opened myself up to people today. you would be proud.
i don't do that often. i don't know why. it's hard. i never thought i was a private person. but the more i realized people i spend the most time with, don't really know me at all. of course i am talking about co workers. so i did. just a little. little by little they will get to know the real me. not like a put on a front. but ... i don't like talking about me if i am not close to them. am i making sense. doesn't matter. its my day.
its always my day.
started my day with yoga. we layed there. clearing our minds free. i kept repeating to myself, i am a happy person.
as cheesy as that sounds... its a struggle. and an effort.
and.. i am happy. i am really happy.
i don't have any good quotes to say or anything. just thoughts.
thats all i am ... full of thoughts.
back to work.

this is whats on my mind:
how do i get a bonus check and realize its gone before it hits my account.
why do i dread going running, knowing when i am done, it's a quick fix for me to feel better, never wanting to stop.
why was my mom not going to tell me about her doctors appointment.
i have gotten back in to the habit of biting my fingernails. sign of stress and worry.
i have a speech due monday about teeth. ideas? none. my life? about teeth. how no ideas.
hoping my ipod is restoring correctly.

i guess i have no huge worries in the world.


so, off running i go.